i hate it when someone has stuff queued and say so in the comment section. NO ONE CARES.

i hate promos. get followers the way you should, but posting stuff and letting people stumbling across your blog and following you because they like what you post.

we last had the boys the 6th-7th, or sometime around there (might not have been friday-saturday). anyway, so i cut greg’s hair and B wanted one too, so i gave him a buzz cut (but not a super short one). greg goes to pick B up tonight and she’s bitching about how no one but professionals can touch her son’s hair, and she had to go ‘get it fixed’ because it was all ratty looking. UHM EXCUSE ME, he’s greg’s son too. and it was a freaking buzz cut, that shit doesn’t look ratty. and you had to wait a few weeks to get it cut, why??

oh, woman, you better wait for what’s coming to you.

i cannot believe my mother sometimes.

my sister and i wanted her to come visit after the wedding next weekend for a few days, and it was a done deal until she got a new (second) job.  obviously her boss would understand that she can’t just drop family plans because she finally got this job. so, needless to say, my mother won’t let her come.

THEN, wednesday, my mom asks me what my schedule is for the weekend/early next week, so i give it to her and she never responds. thursday i ask ‘why’ and she said ‘no, nevermnid.’ but i demanded an answer, so she responds ‘because i was going to let her visit you this weekend if we drove halfway tonight, but then i remembered she has inservice tomorrow. and we already made other plans.’ 

OKAY. COOL. so your plans of going on the boat are more important than my sister and me hanging out. thanks mom. 

photos of girls who are larger than a size 0 or 2. girls whose thighs actually touch. i’m not denying the reality that loads of people (myself included) want to be thinner, but there is such a thing as too thin. who cares if your thighs touch or if your calves are big or if you have a small muffin top; you’re you and i love that about you. i just want to see more photos of people who aren’t lying about who they are and who aren’t hiding behind all these photos of skinny girls. i’m going out on a limb here, but there’s probably less thin girls than there are average girls. i’m just a little tired of only seeing teeny tiny girls on here. i think i’ll contribute to this change.

i just saw on my dash that someone said “a bit of advice to you all; don’t fall in love”.

i disagree. fall in love; fall in love as many times as you can/want. at that moment, when you first fall in love, it’s the happiest you’ve ever been. it’s the greatest moment of your [recent] life. you are so uncontrollably happy—why would you want to take that away?

yeah, sometimes love hurts you and you get screwed, but that’s when you turn to your closest friends, watch a movie and eat tubs of ice cream and cookie dough. that’s when you find a new hobby and hell, maybe that’s when you find someone with that same new interest.

i say never stop falling in love, not necessarily the kind of love leading to marriage, but find new friends to fall in love with (because really, that’s who you always need). fall in love with a new place or a new book. find your own secret hideout at your favorite park or beach; find your way onto a rooftop and just enjoy the stars and the moon or a sunset/sunrise. share this moment that you love with those closest to you. love, be loved and share the love.

[i just realized this all sounds so cliche, but i’m trying to be more positive about everything. it’s a healthier lifestyle, i feel.]

yeah, i’m trying to lose weight and i really want to so I can feel better about myself.  There’s a difference between losing weight by eating healthier and exercising and simply not eating. As someone who has gone through eating disorders before, I know how horribly they affect you and that you can’t always control them.  It kills me to see pro-anorexia or pro-bulimic blogs.  It kills me more that young girls (around thirteen or so) leave messages saying that these anorexic girls are their motivation.  These girls maybe didn’t have an ED, but now by looking at these blogs they see them as fabulous and start eating less and less until they are consuming a meager 10 (or less) calories a day.

I wish those young girls (or any girl or boy, really) would look toward healthy athletes for motivation, not girls who are starving themselves to try to weigh under 89 pounds when they are 5’8”.

Am I just holding my goals to high or is this ridiculous?

(friends of mine, don’t get upset by this)

i wish i had a really close girlfriend (or guy friend). one like from back home…like Susie.  When i was with her for a weekend i remember what it felt like to confide in someone about anything and everything and have her understand it. no judgments, just consolation and hugging, understanding and laughing. i need that…i think i need that more than ever right now.  i feel so lost and confused with everything.  my past actions do not reflect who i am at all. who am i? why the fuck did i do those things? who the hell did i let myself become?

i need someone really really really close to me.  yes, i have those who are close to me (liz and vernice) but i can’t tell the two of you everything (and you both know why…liz, i am using my filter more (or trying to at least)). marlo is close too, but she’s all the way across oceans and time zones make communicating rubbish and super hard.

this is probably why i wanted to go back up north today…i was looking for something to keep me grounded to the real me; searching for that broken bond.

I AM TRYING TO WRITE MY PAPERS.

right now im more upset with you (and me) than you think.  how can you expect answers from me and not give me any?

you know what, fuck my private tumblr and the password-protected one i made. you want honesty, here you go. i’ll cum truth and honesty all over your face.

honest statement number 1: i know i loved you.

honest statement number 2: -ed. past tense. i know this because even after the many times i told you what i need you would kind of amuse me for about a day then go back to how we were before until i would try to break up with you again.

honest statement number 3: sometimes i lied to you about eating because i saw the way you looked at the girls who are skinnier than i. this made me feel inferior and want to disappear. (yeah, thats kinda like dependence).

honest statement number 4: i stopped caring what you think as soon as i made it clear to myself that you didnt really care. you said you did and made it seem like you did when you tried to force me into counseling, but let’s face it. if you truly cared as much as you said you did you wouldnt have given me an ultimatum between you and counseling, you would let me go when i was ready. obviously with my constant complaining about going, i wasnt.

honest statement number 5: i changed myself for you because i thought that was the only way you would accept me. i was stupid for changing at all. i shouldnt change for anyone but me.

honest statement number 6: i wish you werent secretive about our relationship when we first started dating. i lost a few friends that way and it wasnt really fair. why were you so secretive anyway? you said it was so i wouldnt have to deal with drama at work (even though we knew word would get out and i’d have to deal with it anyway). i think it’s because you were scared. scared that someone might actually like you. you didnt want to let people know about us because the more people knew the more real we were.

honest statement number 7: the journal you gave me is full of things i wish i had the courage to tell you. these entries are called “letters”. they are all letters i wrote to you that i would never send to you but it still made me feel kind of better to get them out even if you’d never know.

honest statement number 8: when i said i wasn’t happy, i wasn’t. 

honest statement number 9: i sometimes wish i never let you talk me out of breaking up with you each time i tried. i couldnt give you what you needed, nor could you give me what i needed. we both needed different things…things neither one of us could provide.

honest statement number 10: i hate that it was always me going to your house. i understand you’re allergic to cats, but the cat doesnt go in my room. and you said we never did anything at my house…all we did at either of our homes was read and/or watch TV. oh, and sex.

honest statement number 11: a lot of the times we had sex i did it because you wanted to and always complained that i didnt want to have sex enough. you wanted sex, i gave it to you. (another area where i changed).

honest statement number 12: i got angry with you a lot because i didnt understand why you still couldnt provide me with the things i needed even after telling you time and time again that i wasnt happy.

honest statement number 13: i cried myself to sleep almost once a month every month we were together because i didnt know what i was doing/who i was becoming. i often didnt recognize myself anymore.

honest statement number 14: i’m sorry we ended this way, but i honestly think it’s better that we ended than for us to stay together. i wasn’t happy and you didnt seem happy. we are at different stages in our lives. you’ve graduated college and im still in the beginning. yeah, ive dealt with a lot of shit in the past and i am responsible for just about everything in my life, but youre years past me. you may not know exactly what you want to do and sometimes i dont either, but i know im not staying here. it would take a large movement to make me stay here. dont plan grad school around me. just dont.

i could continue with more honest statements if you’d like, but after saying just those 14 im feeling a little better and i need to go be productive now. you said you wont look at my blog. i hope you do.

I’m done.

i hate you so very, very much (as if the past nineteen years of my existence wasn’t proof enough).

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. YOU TAKE MORE TIME IN THE BATHROOM JUST AT NIGHT THAN IN THE ENTIRETY OF MY DAY (INCLUDING MY SHOWER). SERIOUSLY, GET THE FUCK OUT.