right now im more upset with you (and me) than you think. how can you expect answers from me and not give me any?
you know what, fuck my private tumblr and the password-protected one i made. you want honesty, here you go. i’ll cum truth and honesty all over your face.
honest statement number 1: i know i loved you.
honest statement number 2: -ed. past tense. i know this because even after the many times i told you what i need you would kind of amuse me for about a day then go back to how we were before until i would try to break up with you again.
honest statement number 3: sometimes i lied to you about eating because i saw the way you looked at the girls who are skinnier than i. this made me feel inferior and want to disappear. (yeah, thats kinda like dependence).
honest statement number 4: i stopped caring what you think as soon as i made it clear to myself that you didnt really care. you said you did and made it seem like you did when you tried to force me into counseling, but let’s face it. if you truly cared as much as you said you did you wouldnt have given me an ultimatum between you and counseling, you would let me go when i was ready. obviously with my constant complaining about going, i wasnt.
honest statement number 5: i changed myself for you because i thought that was the only way you would accept me. i was stupid for changing at all. i shouldnt change for anyone but me.
honest statement number 6: i wish you werent secretive about our relationship when we first started dating. i lost a few friends that way and it wasnt really fair. why were you so secretive anyway? you said it was so i wouldnt have to deal with drama at work (even though we knew word would get out and i’d have to deal with it anyway). i think it’s because you were scared. scared that someone might actually like you. you didnt want to let people know about us because the more people knew the more real we were.
honest statement number 7: the journal you gave me is full of things i wish i had the courage to tell you. these entries are called “letters”. they are all letters i wrote to you that i would never send to you but it still made me feel kind of better to get them out even if you’d never know.
honest statement number 8: when i said i wasn’t happy, i wasn’t.
honest statement number 9: i sometimes wish i never let you talk me out of breaking up with you each time i tried. i couldnt give you what you needed, nor could you give me what i needed. we both needed different things…things neither one of us could provide.
honest statement number 10: i hate that it was always me going to your house. i understand you’re allergic to cats, but the cat doesnt go in my room. and you said we never did anything at my house…all we did at either of our homes was read and/or watch TV. oh, and sex.
honest statement number 11: a lot of the times we had sex i did it because you wanted to and always complained that i didnt want to have sex enough. you wanted sex, i gave it to you. (another area where i changed).
honest statement number 12: i got angry with you a lot because i didnt understand why you still couldnt provide me with the things i needed even after telling you time and time again that i wasnt happy.
honest statement number 13: i cried myself to sleep almost once a month every month we were together because i didnt know what i was doing/who i was becoming. i often didnt recognize myself anymore.
honest statement number 14: i’m sorry we ended this way, but i honestly think it’s better that we ended than for us to stay together. i wasn’t happy and you didnt seem happy. we are at different stages in our lives. you’ve graduated college and im still in the beginning. yeah, ive dealt with a lot of shit in the past and i am responsible for just about everything in my life, but youre years past me. you may not know exactly what you want to do and sometimes i dont either, but i know im not staying here. it would take a large movement to make me stay here. dont plan grad school around me. just dont.
i could continue with more honest statements if you’d like, but after saying just those 14 im feeling a little better and i need to go be productive now. you said you wont look at my blog. i hope you do.